This Is What Depression Taught Me About Life

Depression helped me end a version of me that was never real. Here's what I learned about life: who I actually am, why we're here, and the most important key to it all.

Depression broke me.

There were many days that getting out of bed seemed like a chore. Many moments that I didn't want anything to do with the outside world. And then, of course, there was a time many years ago that the thought of ending my own life seemed like a mighty good idea.

I initially escaped, numbed and avoided: with copious amounts of alcohol and drugs, with food, with TV, with empty one night stands, with overworking.

When that stopped working, I found support and journeyed through the emotions I never gave myself permission to feel.

I cried, screamed, and allowed my life to fall away.

I thought I was losing myself, I was.
But what I was losing wasn't the real me.

Depression was the end of the version of me that had been taking centre stage.

The version of me that was 'working hard' to 'make it'.
The version of me that put how I looked far above how I felt.
The version of me that put other people's feelings ahead of my own.
The version of me that was unconsciously trying to earn other people's approval, attention, love and affection.
The version of me that was afraid of being judged, of being excluded, of being bullied, of being rejected.

This version of me was all I knew, so of course it felt painful to not know what was happening.

It was an un-becoming.

It was a letting go of who I thought I was, and a revealing of my true self.

I didn't know who I truly was because that version of me didn't feel safe enough to come out and play in the world. It took years, lots of support and nervous system regulation.

It took a lot of experimentation.

A lot of time sitting with myself for long enough to discover how I truly felt, rather than accepting the conditioned thoughts that seemed to running my entire world.

It took years to stop operating primarily from my mind.

It took years for me to trust my body, my heart and my soul. Even as I write this, I am still learning. Still listening. Still learning to trust myself fully.

But this I know...

Depression is a sign that the life we're living isn't our own.

It's a life that's built upon other people's ideals and expectations that we've inherited and claimed as our own.

We think it's us running the show, but in reality, it's our mind. And our mind has been hijacked by people trying their best, alongside global industries and companies trying to sell us products and services we don't need, led with ideologies that convince us we are less than if we don't look a certain way, or have a certain product, or behave in accordance to a pre-ordained set of rules.

No wonder why we can't sit still. Nor are we comfortable to be by ourselves without a phone, a drink in hand, a cigarette, a vape or something to do.

We want to relax, but we can't.

Thank god for that, because that unsettled feeling is our soul is leading us towards an eternal truth:

The reason for being here.

In short: have fun.

Enjoy this life. Play. Do what makes you happy.

Experiment with life until you find the thing that feels like home.
Explore until you find the thing that you could do every single day even if you weren't getting paid for it.
And then share it with the world so you do get paid for it.
Share what you learn along the way with others.

I certainly do not have life 'figured out'.
But I do know that joy is our reason for being here.

Enjoyment. Life is 'meant' to be 'in' 'joy'.

So if it's not fun? If you're unhappy more often than not?
If you're depressed and looking for a way out?

It's a sign that the life you're living isn't truly your own.

I can't say that the journey to finding your self and your reason for being here is always going to be pleasant and enjoyable.

It will test you more than anything ever has before.

But this I can say with absolute certainty.

IT'S WORTH IT.

That's why I will not shut up about finding what you love and spending your whole life doing that.

I believe it heals you more than a prescription ever could.

Because when you truly discover yourself, when you touch the essence of who you truly are, and when you get to experience that...

You will feel more at peace, more relieved and more excited than you ever have before.

You will just know that your life is for a purpose, and you get to play every single day.

It makes the challenges worth it.
It makes the tough days worth it.
It makes your whole entire reason for being here worth it.

Adam xx